There comes a time (and really several if I’m being honest with myself and you) when each of us must face some terrifying hurdle. I’ve reached one. Not from study abroad, because I’m perfectly ready for that. Eerily ready. Not nervous at all. BUT I face a hurdle I have not yet in my life vaulted correctly yet. I’m beginning to realize that this one thing is, of everything I have ever done, my greatest failure. It’s strange to think about that way, but it’s true. It’s weird.
But I’ve never been good at telling others how I feel about them. It’s not that I can’t express myself (because I end up giving such a deluge of information that you would eventually get what I’m saying). It’s two things: I hate being wrong. I don’t think through the assumptions of my own brain. Which basically means for me that I don’t always know in a conscious way what’s going on or why I behave or feel certain things.
But I hate being wrong. I don’t like being hurt either (duh?) and that’s another part of the issue. But really it boils down to this: I will wait, enjoying what I have now, and then find out too late that because of my own inability to express myself, I’ve gone and ****ed it up anyway.
And I’m done with that. It’s not okay for me to hurt other people because it’s hard for me. As nice a person as I am, that’s just a really dick move. And that’s not me.
Ha. Not that any of you need to know that. BUT perhaps someone needs to hear it.